Cautionary note: some people may find reading these victim experiences distressing or traumatising.
These de-identified victim experiences summarise the content of interviews undertaken with people who have experienced domestic and family violence and legal system engagement. The interviewees’ names and some minor details of their narratives have been changed to protect their identities. In many cases the names have been selected by the interviewees.
The key words align with the contents covered in the National Domestic and Family Violence Bench Book.
Bianca and Tom were in a relationship for 13 years and have three children who were between pre and primary school age at separation. Both Bianca and Tom are tertiary educated with professional qualifications. Apart from when the children were infants, Bianca worked in professional, well-remunerated employment and was the sole income earner for most of the relationship. Tom had worked sporadically early in the relationship but stopped working soon after the birth of their first child and hasn’t worked since.
Bianca met Tom through a mutual friend when she was in her late teens. It was her first intimate relationship. Tom had been in a previous relationship where his partner alleged domestic violence. Bianca says she has always been a high energy, driven sort of person who likes to get things done. Tom on the other hand lacks motivation and found employment difficult to maintain despite being highly intelligent. Bianca tended to ‘mother’ Tom from early in the relationship and took on all of the household duties while also working full-time, without being conscious of or concerned by the imbalance. This however emerged as a problem after the birth of their first child when Bianca’s attentions necessarily turned to the baby, and she began asking Tom to help around the house. He mostly resisted, and when Bianca insisted, he did so begrudgingly. Even when Bianca was recovering from C-section births, Tom would refuse to bring the baby to her for feeding during the night, claiming there was no point in both of them being tired.
Over time, Bianca and Tom argued often about the division of labour. As the demands of children and work grew, Bianca felt that Tom’s failure to contribute in any useful way was unreasonable and intolerable. Tom claimed Bianca was constantly nagging him and trying to control him, and he would frequently become angry and verbally abusive towards her. She had experienced trauma as a child and suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for many years as a result. Before and after the birth of their third child, Bianca began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks reminiscent of her earlier years. When hospitalised, she felt a sense of safety and calm that she realised was absent from her home life. Tom resented her time in hospital; he told her she needed to get over it, and that it was too much for him to have to look after the house and children while she was away receiving treatment.
After Bianca and Tom built their home on a small rural block, Tom developed an obsession with guns. He purchased five guns and went hunting most weekends. Tom’s firearms licence required him to secure the guns in a safe in the house; Bianca had to constantly ensure that he complied with these requirements as he was lax. Tom regularly spoke about guns and shooting in conversation, he read books about serial killers and snipers, he would make home-made guns in his shed, and he even explained to Bianca on one occasion the steps involved in administering lethal poison without leaving a trace. As their relationship deteriorated, Bianca observed veiled threats in these behaviours and found them intimidating and troubling. During the relationship, Tom shot and killed Bianca’s dog and pony for no valid reason. He also deliberately released her hand-raised cockatiel into the wild.
Bianca describes three physically violent incidents that occurred in the course of an otherwise increasingly dysfunctional relationship. As the situation worsened, Bianca felt she was constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ around Tom, trying to placate him and take the pressure off him so as to avoid any escalation of his anger, but his behaviour continued.
The first incident was when Bianca and Tom’s first child was aged two. They had been arguing and Tom picked Bianca up under her arms and threw her across the room and into a door frame, causing bruising to the back of her head. Tom is more than a foot taller than Bianca, thick set, muscular and immensely strong. Bianca was in shock and terrified; she retreated to the other end of the house unable to comprehend what had happened. In the days following she sought help from a counsellor (who she continued to see for many years) and told Tom that it must never happen again.
The second incident was some years later, by which stage they had three young children. Bianca had arrived home late after a long and demanding day at work. Tom hadn’t fed the children or made any attempt to prepare them for bed; the house was in chaos and Tom was playing violent computer games. Bianca was angry and frustrated with Tom’s selfishness and lack of effort. Tom called her a ‘fat cunt’ (knowing that this was particularly hurtful to Bianca who had suffered an eating disorder) and pushed her into the wall. In front of the children, he threatened to shoot himself in the head, and then walked out to the car parked in the yard. He was due to go hunting the next morning and he normally locked his guns in the car the night before. Bianca feared that he was going to retrieve a gun from the car and carry out his threat of suicide, so she rang the ambulance. Multiple ambulance and police officers arrived. Tom was taken to the hospital for review and then spent a couple of nights at his mother’s house. On this occasion, Bianca did not tell police about the violence and abuse in the relationship; she didn’t want to get Tom into trouble or make him angrier and therefore more abusive. She felt that if she decided to leave, she would need a plan to get away quickly to somewhere safe.
After the second incident, Bianca rang a domestic violence support service for some advice about how she might safely leave the relationship. Bianca believed they were more interested in reporting the incident to child safety than giving her any support as the victim of abuse. She felt insulted that a judgement had been made about her ability to protect her children and that she may be exposing them to harm by staying with a suicidal partner.
Bianca decided she needed to address the relationship problems with Tom before making any other decisions about leaving. She wrote him a letter and let him know that she wouldn’t tolerate verbal or physical abuse and that they needed marriage counselling. Tom agreed and for a time, things improved between them. Soon enough though, Bianca reverted to taking on most of the household and parenting responsibilities and continuing to work full-time so as to avoid any instance where Tom may become angry and abusive. Tom spent most of his days playing computer games even when their youngest child was home from pre-school. The relationship deteriorated further: the arguments continued, and Bianca discovered that, at two separate times, Tom had placed a key logger on her computer in order to log her internet activity. When confronted, Tom claimed that he was trying to keep Bianca safe, a story she rejected. She told him she had nothing to hide, he could have all her passwords, but it was not acceptable for him to secretly monitor her.
One night, after a particularly heated argument, the third incident occurred. Tom started drinking scotch and went on to drink most of the bottle. He rarely drank alcohol; this was out of character. As Tom became more intoxicated, he became emotional about his past failed relationships. He said he should just die, and could understand how murder-suicides happen. He also threatened to wake the children up and ask them which parent they loved most. Bianca was very concerned by this talk, but felt it was likely to be caused by the alcohol, so suggested to Tom that he go to bed. She then tried to get up from the couch and Tom grabbed her tightly by the wrists and held her in place for three hours, both by the wrists and through the weight of his body on hers. Meanwhile, he used Bianca’s hands to hit himself hard and repeatedly in the face, saying ‘I’d rather you punch me than leave me’. Bianca’s hands turned blue, and despite her pleading, Tom would not release his grip, saying he couldn’t let her go because she would escape and the police would take his guns away. Later, Bianca pleaded with him not to kill her, at which point he released his hands and placed them around her throat, squeezing tightly and saying ‘you stupid woman, of course I’m not going to kill you; the reason I haven’t already is that I don’t want to’. Terrified for her life, Bianca decided to try and settle Tom down: telling him it was all a misunderstanding, that they could work it out in the morning after some sleep. Tom grabbed her by the wrists again and dragged her down the hall and into bed with him where he continued holding her. Bianca waited for him to fall asleep, got her phone out of her back pocket, switched it to silent mode, and texted two friends she knew would respond at that hour of night. They called the police and Bianca fled to the neighbour’s house and waited. She felt she had no other choice, but was also extremely worried that Tom would wake up and a hostage situation may arise given that the children were still asleep in the house.
The police arrived promptly; they removed Tom and took him to the watch house and located the guns. The police initiated a protection order application on Bianca’s behalf and the matter was dealt with the following day. Bianca was traumatised and exhausted and unable to properly process what was going on. The magistrate told Tom he didn’t have to agree to an order naming the children as it would have family law implications for him. The police prosecutor asked Bianca if she would agree to a one-year order without admissions where the children weren’t named. She wanted the matter over and felt sorry for Tom who was crying, so she agreed. Bianca later regretted this decision as the ‘no admissions’ condition meant that she had no evidence of domestic and family violence that she could use to substantiate her claims in the subsequent parenting proceedings in the Federal Circuit Court. She was however satisfied that it was appropriate not to have the children named on the protection order as she was and remains committed to the children having a relationship with their father. Bianca was informed by police shortly after Tom’s guns were confiscated that they had been released to Tom’s brother (with Tom’s consent), who holds a valid gun license. In releasing Tom’s guns to his brother, Bianca is concerned that he now has ready access to them.
On the evening of the third incident the police had asked Bianca if she wanted to have Tom charged with deprivation of liberty. She declined, and police did not take any steps to obtain evidence of the offence, for example photos of bruising on Bianca’s wrists caused by Tom’s grip. Some months later however, after time with her counsellor, Bianca made a complaint and gave a statement. Tom was represented, and on advice on the morning of the trial, accepted a plea bargain and pleaded guilty to common assault in lieu of deprivation of liberty. No conviction was recorded and Tom was ordered to observe a six month good behaviour bond and pay a $500 fine. For Bianca, this was some acknowledgement of Tom’s violence towards her, though somewhat mitigated; and she avoided the ordeal of cross-examination, which she had endured from Tom personally only weeks earlier at the hearing for the variation of the police-initiated protection order.
Bianca applied prior to its expiration to vary the police-initiated protection order by extending it for another year. The magistrate refused to grant a temporary order to bridge the gap between lodgement and expiry, insisting that the matter be heard. Tom made a cross application alleging abuse by Bianca in the form of name calling. Both applications were heard together. Bianca prepared all of her own affidavit material and engaged a barrister for the hearing. Bianca felt highly distressed and vulnerable in the courtroom and PTSD evidence was tendered to support a claim for protected witness status. The magistrate rejected the submission concluding that Bianca was articulate and intellectually well-equipped and did not require protection during the proceedings. As a result, Tom, self-represented in this matter, was permitted to cross examine Bianca for three hours. Tom taunted and demeaned her with his questions—Bianca felt it was another version of the abuse she had long-experienced—and the magistrate gave him considerable leeway. Bianca felt that the magistrate was demonstrating the need for procedural fairness, but equally that her evidence had been taken seriously. The Magistrate granted Bianca the one-year extension and dismissed Tom’s application.
While the criminal and protection order matters were being dealt with, Bianca sought to address parenting and property issues.
A property settlement was reached with Tom fairly quickly, though Bianca queries its fairness. They jointly owned an unencumbered house worth $300,000. Bianca was the sole income earner and principal homemaker throughout the relationship. Tom made negligible homemaker contributions and earned no income. Bianca had accumulated $160,000 in super. Tom received the unencumbered house property, and Bianca received $85,000 in cash (paid by Tom’s mother) and some furniture of little value.
The parenting proceedings were more prolonged and complex, requiring an interim and final hearing in the Federal Circuit Court. Essentially, Bianca sought to relocate to an area where she felt safer while maintaining her job position and yet still continuing the arrangements with Tom for some weekend contact. Relocation necessarily involved the children changing schools, and this became a central issue of contention. At the interim hearing, Bianca was ordered to resume living with the children in a certain area and to return them to the local primary school. The interim order was very difficult for Bianca because it meant that she had to live in a small, rural town close to Tom and his family; she avoided going to shops or community spaces for fear of coming into contact with them. She needed medication to cope with her heightened anxiety. These circumstances continued for more than a year pending the final hearing and orders. After considerable expense and time, the final orders endorsed Bianca’s initial application. She and the children, and her new partner and his two children, now live in the area she originally proposed, and Tom’s contact arrangements continue unchanged.
Bianca and her new partner have bought a house, and they are settling in well together with their children as a combined family, while contact arrangements with Tom are mostly straightforward and without incident. Tom’s moods around contact times remain unpredictable, and Bianca has developed ways of dealing with his moods so that her safety isn’t compromised.
For the past five years post separation, Tom commenced a campaign of complaints to QPS and Child Safety regarding allegations of risk to the children in Bianca’s care. While the process of investigation of Tom’s complaints by these systems was humiliating and stressful for Bianca, both QPS and Child Safety have deemed Tom’s complaints unsubstantiated on each occasion. Bianca has experienced numerous police welfare checks at her home, and felt violated by the unnecessary intrusion of these systems into her private life once again. Recently Tom has been encouraging the children to use their smart phones to covertly record their mother in her home and to ‘airdrop’ these recordings to him. Tom continues to denigrate Bianca and her partner in the children’s presence. Bianca is concerned about the emotional harm caused to the children through their continued involvement by Tom and worries about the long-term psychological impact of Tom’s sustained manipulation of the children upon them. It is difficult for Bianca to effectively parent under these circumstances. Tom has also deliberately contravened the Family Court Orders in place, retaining the children longer than permitted and picking them up from school on days when they are not in his care. Bianca believes that these actions are designed to continue to impress upon her that he is “in charge” and that she remains at the mercy of his unpredictable moods and behaviours. Bianca continues to feel helpless and traumatised but has little faith in the systems set up to support survivors of DFV in dealing with these more insidious and subtle manifestations of coercive control – especially technology facilitated abuse and the involvement of the children.
Bianca also experiences continuing stress in relation to the level of debt she has had to incur to meet legal expenses associated with the protection order, parenting and property matters. She estimates this at more than $100,000. Bianca has borrowed from family and on credit facilities, and the repayments are unmanageable. While Bianca earns an annual salary of around $90,000, debt costs are disproportionate to normal living expenses and the costs associated with bringing up children. Tom pays no child support. Bianca has been unable throughout all these matters to obtain legal aid due to her income level. She has however been able to obtain Victim Assist for some relocation costs and the installation of a home security system.
Bianca has spent considerable time, personal effort, resources, and compromised health on securing her own safety, protecting the wellbeing of her children, and ensuring the children’s relationship with their father, while coping personally with long-term domestic and family violence. She feels the police have been attentive, supportive and respectful in all their dealings with her. She will always value the support given by a particular female police officer at any hour of the day and night. Bianca also respects the court system and the judicial officers making the decisions, although she found those processes traumatic. She is proud of the time and effort she spent in preparing affidavit material for these proceedings, and believes it helped to achieve the best outcome for her children and herself.
